My Mama went to heaven in 2008... I still have conversations with her in my head, I catch myself picking up the phone to call and tell her something, I miss our talks, our shopping trips, our giggling and silliness. My Mama was my best friend and I won't ever stop missing her... so I talk to her through this blog... hey it helps me!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fontana without you

Dear Mama,

Went to Fontana for Labor Day weekend for the first time since you left us... some folks who were there claim it was a great time, but for me it was a disaster. We are simply not qualified to be in charge of a family vacation. You pulled it off so beautifully every year, and it seemed effortless, so how hard could it be? Hard!

Daddy's new wife came and we, of course, hated that and pretty much ignored her the whole weekend. I'm quite ashamed of us. We are not the accepting, all-embracing family that we like to think we are... we are wary of strangers, people who are different from us... We are like a mob family... without the crime! I never realized till this year just how clannish we are.

My new husband came this year, Mama, and he was treated pretty badly... no direct affronts, that would just be bad manners! But more like he simply wasn't there at all... not included in the "men's" activities, or conversations, no matter how hard he tried to just talk to Jeff and Ethan, they quickly found something else to do every time he tried to start a conversation with them. It hurt me so much to watch it.

How did you do it? How did you make sure everybody was welcome and accepted at these things? I have no clue!

Not many people came this year anyway... just the immediate family. I guess the others have felt unaccepted during the past years and only came because of you, so since you aren't here, they stayed home. I'm rather ashamed of us, Mama.

I wrote letters to Jeff, Kevin, and Beth and Ethan, telling them how I feel, we left early and they were shocked and offended and they will be even more shocked and offended when their letters arrive this week. I was in a no-win situation... I could either put on a "happy face" and deal with it, or leave as quietly as possible, or I could blow up, bless them all out and ruin everyone's vacation... I chose to leave early. Maybe that was a mistake, but they really hurt my feelings. I'm sure they feel they did NOTHING wrong... they never do. It's gonna be hard to even participate in holidays after this, at least for awhile, don't know if my nerves can take it.

I love my life now, Mama, you would be happy for me, and Daddy seems to be happy for me... why can't the others be? I just don't understand!

I miss you, Mama!

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